Discover: Your Love Language

Melalin Talks.

Hey,

I didn’t discover my primary love language till four days ago and boy did it make sense. As in so much sense that I began to see why the majority of people I’ve talked to have crumbled to dust. Since we’re going to talk about love, it only makes sense that I’m real about it, and there’s no better way of being real than talking from real-life experiences. Yes, that means that I’ll be sharing some home truths from my own past experiences, because who doesn’t love a few throwbacks from the past right. So, before I start talking about what my love language is, I’ll share the 5 love languages by Dr. Gary Chapman and what they’re defined by.

What are the love languages?

Acts of Service: Doing something for your partner that you know they would like. These can vary from actions such as cooking a meal, washing dishes and vacuuming floors. All of these are acts of service to show not only appreciation but love.

Quality Time: When it comes to quality time, there is nothing that says “I love you” like full, undivided attention. Nothing makes you feel more special and truly loved than a person that is really there for you. Things such as postponed dates, distractions and failure to listen can be hurtful, especially when it comes from the person you love.

Gifts: Here we’re not discussing the materialistic aspect of gifts, but the meaning behind the gifts that you receive. If this is your love language, you seek a gift that says, “He/She was thinking about me. Look what he/she got for me.”

Physical Touch: So before you start squealing in your chairs, I’m referring to physical touch beyond sex, such as holding hands, hugging, kissing and simple hand gestures, all these are expressions of love. These basic physical touches (no matter how small) are motions of communication which reaffirm your partner’s love for you.

Words of Affirmation: Actions don’t necessarily always speak louder than words. Often what you seek from your other half are unsolicited compliments which mean the world to you. Hearing the reasons behind the words such as love sends your spirits skyward. You thrive on hearing kind and encouraging words that build you up, rather than tear you down because of the world nice and you should like it.

What’s my love language?

Now that you know all the 5 love languages and what they each entail, maybe you’ve had the chance to spot out what your primary love language in a relationship is (or maybe not). You may also be curious to find out what I discovered my primary love language is, and that is……Quality Time. After reading what someone with this love language demanded, the more I found myself relating to it, especially when I started to think back on why most of my relationships failed or never actually started. I’m the type of person that gets triggered when activities have been planned, just for him to turn around to say “Oh, I can no longer make it”, and after the efforts, I went through to look my extra best or maybe clear my schedule. Now that boy is just rude as hell. If we organize something, I expect both parties to make it, unless there’s a reasonable excuse that cannot be avoided. I want to not only spend quality time with you, but I want the chance to be able to make memories with you (yes I’m the kind of girl that lives for good memories, treasuring them and keeping them).

By doing activities such as dates, simple walks or just a 5-minute call, our relationship is connecting deeper than it was before that said activity. Don’t believe me? Well, I come from a history of ‘talking’ to some guys that could never meet the needs of my love language, yet I’d be there making excuses for them for not having that quality and letting them waste my time. With their “We’ll go next time”, “I’m busy” and “Let’s make another plan?” shenanigans; I was really a fool back then in comparison to my current state of mind. If they didn’t have time to spare for me, then I don’t know why I thought they’d have time for me in the future. Often, we women forget the value we have on ourselves and wait around for those that have no appreciation of that value towards us. I’m not afraid to say that I’m well and truly guilty of falling into that trap. I’ve learned from that and grown to keep up my standards, by not lowering them to match the person that I’m getting to know at the time. If you cannot stick to your personal standards and love languages, your relationship is probably more than likely to fail with it, as it’s not lining with the things that you believe in.

How do I use my love language?

Next, is to think about how you can get the best out of your primary love language (your must-have quality) and your other love languages which are just as equally important to consider when looking for that partner. From past experiences, my personal advice is to implement your love language effectively by using it as your foundation when looking for a partner to have a relationship with. In my case, I’d base my potential partner on quality time and whether their opinions align with that of my faith because I want someone that can continue to walk on the path of faith alongside me. If you’re interested to learn more about this then I suggest you go listen to Michael Todd’s Relationship Goals series on YouTube. He has a great way of explaining the concept to everyone. Don’t be like the old me who would ignore and begin modifying your standards to fit the person you speak with. Stand on what you believe in and don’t play with your heart, because 90% of the time it ain’t worth it at all.

How to: stop living in fear

This is important!! For the past years, fear has been my best friend and l didn’t know how to tell it to back off cause l was done following a one sided relationship. I started reading much about it, listen to TEDx, podcasts and reading the WORD of God and that have been helping a lot. I am stepping out, I am not exactly where I wanna be but I’m happy I am not that girl who used to be so afraid to speak her mind in the production meeting or anywhere. Fear does not live here anymore. Self-confidence does. This blog post resonated within me and I just decided to reblog it because this is something I really wanted to write about xx

| MelaninTalks |

Welcome back,

On today’s post, we’ll be talking about fear and how to overcome it, in order to live out 2019 to the fullest. For I believe that fear is something that stops us from really living out our best lives and the inability to move past it, is what really holds us back from our potential. Me and fear are very acquainted with one another in my life (oh you have no idea haha). It can be said that with time, I have learned to not allow fear to control my experiences. Of course this was no easy journey nor am I there yet. As with any negative impulses that I find in my life, I work on overcoming it with faith, help and many many youtube videos from relatable influencers. One of these being Breeny Lee and yes I mentioned her on my past post here, but…

View original post 777 more words

Stop, pause, breathe!

Please be patient with me,
I am growing,
I am building a new home for me.

I am learning to forgive, l am learning to move on, and move on for good. I am learning that it takes time to build dreams, it requires strength from every inch of your skin, bones, and soul. It requires courage from your heart and mind, it requires determination to keep going and not quit when the hour, the day gets tough.

I am learning to let patience take space in me, l am allowing peace to coexist with chaos and yet not overpower one another. I am learning how to be all that l wanted to ever be, to let go of people I’ve made shrines out of, protecting the hallow hauntings of nothing but darkness. I am learning to let go, let go of the old abandoned places in me that l had been calling home.

– Anjum Choudhary

The first-day l was the “MC”

I have always wanted to be able to influence people on stage. Children, youth, women. So l must say l have never given myself the platform to perform or maybe grab that opportunity for me to speak because of fear of failure and fear that people might not like what l will say! (Fear, another thing to write on)

The story:
We have a Youth platform at my church called Cross Culture. Cross-culture has been and still is fun and amazing for me because I get to see us, the millennials performing and unleashing potentials and make relationships, fun and all sorts of things.
We had a big function last Saturday and l was to do something, MC(ing) and to write something in line with the theme which was, “THE SOUND OF AN ABUNDANCE OF RAIN”. ( 1 Kings 18:41-46)
Before l got upfront to address the crowd, l had to rehearse because l was so darn nervous, l actually had a personal anxiety attack, I know its normal. So the time l then went up front everything l had practiced disappeared from my head, l mean how could my own mind let me down like that? The first sentence actually came out really wrong. l only laughed at myself, corrected and continued but in my mind, l thought “this is terrible”, but l didn’t give up. I did what l had to do and did my presentation and people screamed and clapped their hands for me. On a scale of 10, l felt 4 out of ten better, l was just like flip! why did l panic?

The great part of the story: When our Pastor got on the stage he preached first about not despising the humble beginnings. (Zechariah 4:10, “Do not despise these small beginnings, for the Lord rejoices to see the work begin, to see the plumb line in Zerubbabel’s hand.”). It rang in my mind along with Denzel Washington’s words of encouragement which said that “We have to FAIL BIG so that we learn, we don’t have to be afraid of failing.”
And l thought to myself, l know l think l did wrong but l did well. The opportunity came and l took it. I was shining up the stage. I might have made a mistake, but l know how to do it right next time. I am going to deliver it to the people l got this!! I thought a little failure never stop the truly determined because failure always comes before success!

After that l wasn’t worried anymore. I had encouraged myself and acknowledged God’s word that l shouldn’t despise small beginnings.
I know l am going to go through a lot of slips, disappointment, letdowns, and failure for me to get to where l am supposed to be but l will embrace the time and the period so that one day l am able to look up and say, “maaannn l worked hard for this, l am glad l didn’t give up!!”

Who’s with me???

Love is a beautiful thing!

I often see myself smiling from ear to ear whenever l see people holding hands sharing that can’t-eat, can’t-sleep, reach-for-the-stars, over-the-fence-kinda love. It’s beautiful, and love is beautiful.

I am a believer of love and l am not saying l know it all but l know one or two things about it.
Over the past years, l have dated, I’ve hurt people, I’ve been hurt so much l look back l say hey, he must have really wanted me dead but l survived that and l moved on. When we get hurt, we don’t understand why, we ask so many questions that actually don’t have anyone to answer but, l have come to believe that God will never make us go through what we can’t handle!

I was on my way home and l met one of my closest friends Varaidzo, she’s gorgeous and in love. She was with her boyfriend who was to travel to America the following day (he went ) so that he can complete his studies and work as well. I read this quote, “Love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation”. I was trying to anticipate both their feelings during the time but all l know is that it hurts but it’s still beautiful. The days they worked together and the memories they had together. That is something to always remember and cherish even when they are away from each other. And I’m so happy l got to witness their love. It was that can’t-eat, can’t-sleep, reach-for-the-stars, over-the-fence-kinda love. Misunderstandings they had, but still loved each other and chances were given so that one can make things right, l mean that’s true. I remember some point at school, he had messed up and Vary and l planned to go beat him up at his Hostel then we run away 😂. This was silly and we never got to do it but l honestly wanted to. Eventually, l got to watch him become the Best Boyfriend Of The Year. So even if they part ways, it’s not forever, the will always find their love again and for that l can say, ” love is a beautiful thing”. Love is so beautiful l must accept because when she messaged me and said “he’s now going” l only said, “damnnn” and she said, “I’ll be with him soon”. Love made her strong and hopeful. Beautiful isn’t it?

My previous relationship was a piece of work ha, but l didn’t give up, because l thought l myself alone could change or maybe wait till he gets himself together. This guy was one quarter a great guy, l can safely say and the fact that he cheated makes him three quarters a bad guy but you know how it is. I moved from a broken place to a place where l got to understand that l had to be strong and move on. Love is beautiful and does not give up l did stay.

But l learned:

That heartbreaks aren’t there to break us but to teach us. To teach us that we don’t have to settle for less because it is available, to remind us of our worth, to help us know what we really deserve and how we can actually get it. It’s not easy to pick yourself up and safely say, yeah it looks pretty now but you should have seen how broke down l was. Love is so beautiful that it teaches us to be strong on our own, to understand the fact that the next person isn’t supposed to make us happy but we have to be happy on your own, happiness comes from within. It teaches us to love ourselves first before we can tell the next person that we love them. To be patient with ourselves and other people. Not to give up!
Love is a beautiful thing! What did love teach you?

“When the time is right!”

I watched my sister go through her College applications this year. The process was just tedious and saddening for her. She was so worried, anxious and afraid! That at some point she wanted to give up on what she really wanted and was on a verge of settling. It is in those times when you feel like the Universe is not rooting for you, especially when you hear your friends telling you that they have got a place and they are going to study but you’re still stuck at home, with no hope at all. That emotion! She felt that feeling and I felt it for her!

Some days when I’m home we would chill, sit on her or my bed, we would talk about everything and l memorize this one day, it really hit her and she told me she wanted to school and it was unfair that she was still home and none of her applications had been acknowledged yet. Did she cry, yes! why? Because she was terrified! She felt so alone and that God had rejected her and He didn’t care anymore. But you and I both know it’s not the truth. She wasn’t forsaken!

But regardless,

She kept trying and,

She WAITED!!

And that moment she’s done fighting and applying. God is so incredible not to leave us in these times of need. A message reached that she got accepted at the Vistula University in POLAND 🇵🇱. WHAT!!! she screamed and literally woke me up. She was grateful and cheerful. Her face was glowing again, not that it wasn’t but at least God has done it. She just landed an hour ago. And to be truthful, even the day she got her acceptance letter, getting her VISA was a fight. But God!!!! God didn’t leave her, He always (always) finish what He starts! The good thing was she knew what she yearned for and despite the fact that the whole process was making her nervous, she didn’t give up! She’s a go-getter!

So this is what I comprehended from all this. God’s time is God’s time. Isaiah 60:22 makes it all clear that when the time is right, the Lord will make all things glamorous. I know sometimes we feel like we are not being heard but we are and God will come through. We don’t have to give up because it’s taking time. Don’t you give up on your dreams?

This is a lesson, your dreams matter and we all have to embrace the waiting season and believe that our time will come too. I know that for some people, even for me, waiting can feel like a lifetime but it’s always worth it. Being patient can be difficult but being impatient can prove to be dangerous. For real! Occasionally I get dishearten especially when I see other people gaining a victory! I am not jealous, I mean “Lord when is my time coming too” and in the moment l am captivated to give up and say “ugh maybe it’s not for me or it ain’t gonna happen” l always go back to His word which gives peace, healing and strength! Peace knowing that He knows and hears, the strength that He will carry me through and that He cares enough to do what he promised and healing of the heart and soul. His promises are Yes and Amen and God has His own methods and system of doing things, the more we fight them, the more we set ourselves back. The blessing usually comes with a process and embracing the process will produce for us a great testimony – (Stephan Speaks)

I know l am not the only one on this path. I hope whoever is reading this finds peace and strength knowing that you’re not forsaken or abandoned. He will answer you when the time is right. Hold on to His promises and believe. You can make it. You are close to your breakthrough. I know I am.

The Lord might not come when we call but He is always on time!

SHE and her thoughts.

She is walking in the city, and the streets are packed with people and cars. It’s a lot to take in. High school kids, university students, money changers, vendors, a long queue of people waiting for a cheap bus, you know everyone trying to make a living. It’s amazing and crazy at the same time. People are trying to survive, they have hope! She is seeing all that as she’s walking, earphones plugged in, listening to music but her attention is shifted from what she thought she was thinking about something else. She stopped for a moment, trying to understand what she was thinking and feeling that time. Okay, she starts walking again because she wants to catch the staff bus that leaves in 10mins time.

She is speaking to herself. Her mind is communicating. THOUGHTS! She knows her God is watching and she knows He is within her. He is the only one who can understand these thoughts. One thought at a time as she is walking and observing the world around her. She wishes to change the world. ‘If the world could have a heart like mine’ She thought. Well, I don’t know, we can’t be the same right?
But God, I know the plans you have for my life, plans to give me a future and a hope. She knows all that! Thoughts are just mixed in her head, one thought after one thought and trying to confront all of them can be hard!

So, this is her, still walking and time is running out.

I want to be better though. A better version of myself. I want to reach for the skies! What if my wishes come through. God, I’m willing to wait but sometimes the wait can feel like a lifetime but I’ll hold on, I am holding on. I want to graduate. I want to have million-dollar ideas. I want to bring thousands of people to Christ. I want to have an amazing husband(tall, nice shoulders, you name it) I want to tell my story in a way that will change lives and perspective. A girl gotta dream.

She wants to treat people right! She wants to leave a LEGACY and she isn’t going to settle for okay! She is at a better place and being at that place has taught her a lifetime of lessons hella! She knows she is deserving and she is not going to stop dreaming. The sky is the only limit. She is looking to lock arms with women who are serious about personal growth, who want to serve others and build a legacy for their families and generations to come. She prays every day the Lord will help her to cross paths with those kinds of women, who want nothing more than to truly make an impact. Who are diligent workers, and willing to learn!

These are thoughts that are always (always) running in her mind, every day when she wakes up! When she’s alone when she’s about to sleep when she’s walking home, even when she’s talking to her Creator! Could that be wrong? That she dreams big for herself, her family and her community? These aren’t the only things running through that gorgeous mind and trust me her dreams are big that for a second she can just stop, smile and say, “I must be crazy, I must be losing my mind”. But she keeps holding on because she knows who she serves. A Father who is ABLE!!
But through all that, she’s determined to press towards the mark. She is willing to learn. She wants to serve God and his people. And she definitely doesn’t want mediocre! She takes every thought captive. What a dream. But is it even possible? Well, because she trusts God’s word, she knows it is possible. SHE IS STILL.

What l love most about her is that she isn’t afraid anymore. She is BOLD like a Lion. She knows who God is, what he can do and what he has done! She wants to try new things and do the things she has never done before that will lead her to be the person she was created to be. I know a quote by Osho which says, “Your mind is a garden, your THOUGHTS are the seeds. You can grow flowers or you can grow Weeds”, and she is not trying to grow weeds but to grow only FLOWERS! Despite all the things going on in life, despite all the shit-storms and tears. She still believes! It’s in those moments that our faith is tested. Her own FAITH is strong and her HOPE is set. She believes she will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. She is CONFIDENT.

As she continues seeing herself moving mountains, she got distracted, someone came behind her and whispered, “Hey, you look good today!” And she turned to see who it was. It was her friend, she was so drawn in her thoughts that she didn’t realize she was literally standing by the bus. They got in together. She smiles and says, “God, you will never mismanage my life.” Better things are meant for her. Success is attracted to her! This life is a Gift!!

The Bible speaks often about the power of the mind and our thoughts. This is important. Our thoughts are very powerful. Even the Bible says, As someone thinks within himself, so he is – Proverbs 23:7. So if you think that you can’t do something, then you can’t. Our minds are powerful, and our thoughts shape who we are and will become. What do you think of yourself? Do you think you can make it? Do you think you are capable? I’m telling you, Arise and maximize your potential. It’s all starts in your mind. Spend all your time thinking POSITIVE and see how much you’ll grow. I read this book called Switch On Your Brain, Dr. C. Leaf says this, “As we think, we change the physical nature of our brain. As we consciously direct our thinking, we can wire out toxic patterns of thinking and replace them with healthy thoughts.” This says it all. Changing the way you think changes your perspective which changes how you act in the world. Having a negative thinking capacity can cost you! But one thing I’ve learned about her is that she is not speeding time thinking negatively, she is growing and having a mind that thinks positively can set your heart on fire and make you think of ways you can make your dreams come true. She is strong and a Phenomenal woman. A woman who doesn’t spend time thinking of what could go wrong because in her heart she believes She can do all things through Christ who gives her strength!

CHANGE YOUR MIND! And do not overlook the connection between thoughts and transformation.

Do not copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect. – Romans 12:2